This is an unedited write I did at my Words Gone Wild workshop last month at the Richmond district YMCA. The exercise was to create a 5-minute “elaborate lie” as Deena Metzger instructs in her excellent “bible” for writers, “Writing for Your Life: A Guide and Companion to the Inner Worlds.”

I am so mean. And nasty. And secret about it.

You would be so surprised.

All I do all day long is think about ways to be mean and nasty and to get back at the world for my unhappiness.

Last night I put a chocolate chip cookie in the toilet at a dinner and I didn’t flush it. I left it so somebody would have an uncomfortable moment of disgust. Upon closer inspection, they’d see it wasn’t poop but a cookie that some mean person purposefully wasted there.

That’s just one example. Let me give you some more.

I am fond of doing mean and nasty things at parties. In the bathroom, I take all the toilet paper away — under my shirt or in my purse. This way somebody will have an awkward and distressing moment.

Isn’t that awful?

And then I sneak into the kitchen and spit in the wine bottles and ice while people aren’t around. Nobody knows about it and I am supremely satisfied by my sneakiness.

Even now I am thinking of what mean and nasty things I can do to wreak havoc at the YMCA. That’s just who I am. I can’t help myself.